What about the Caregivers?

There is plenty of information out there about dealing with cancer as a patient. Magazines such as Cure and Coping with Cancer, and their accompanying websites, provide wonderful support to patients about the reality of life with cancer and follow them into recovery and survivorhood. There are support groups for different kinds of cancer diagnoses (see ours here), books to read, and products aimed at making a cancer patient more comfortable and better prepared to cope with their journey.

But what about the caregivers? Very often, cancer patients are dependent on spouses, siblings, children, or just close friends. Patients need help navigating the sometimes overwhelming array of new physicians and medications and the added scheduling burden of frequent visits to different doctors and medical clinics. Functions that used to be managed easily by the patient like doing laundry and mowing the lawn become highly scheduled and doled out to volunteers pulled from family members and friends. Behind all of this scheduling and dietary monitoring and pill-sorting and equipment renting is usually one specific person who takes on the bulk of the burden.

Caregiving can exhaust even the strongest individual very quickly. But the physical tasks that are required are not the only causes of fatigue. The emotional burden of maintaining a positive outlook around your loved ones or just having to be the "keeper of the information" can also be extremely tiring. If you are a caregiver don't forget to consider your own needs for down-time.

Take advantage of all those offers of help and be specific. Now is not the time to say "Oh, we're fine... thanks for your offer." If someone asks what they can do - give them a short list. Ask "What are you willing to do?" In some cases, leaving the house for anything other than a medical appointment can be daunting or even impossible depending on a patient's condition. Would they mind going to the grocery store with a shopping list for you? How about picking up your dry-cleaning and running a package by the post office? If they are offering to help - let them.

Something that often comes as a surprise to caregivers is the range of emotions that accompany the journey. It's not just the patient who has to deal with these feelings, but sometimes the caregiver has a harder time showing them. There is a mis-conception that a caregiver needs to remain strong and not let their emotions get the best of them. Here is some info from the National Cancer Institute that deals with this subject:

It's common to feel stressed and overwhelmed at this time. Like your loved one, you may feel angry, sad, or worried. Try to share your feelings with others who can help you. It can help to talk about how you feel. You could even talk to a counselor or social worker.

You probably have many feelings as you take care of your loved one. There is no right way for you to feel. Each person is different. The first step to understanding your feelings is to know that they're normal. Give yourself some time to think through them. Some feelings that may come and go are:

• Sadness. It's okay to feel sad. But if it lasts for more than 2 weeks, and it keeps you from doing what you need to do, you may be depressed.
• Anger. You may be angry at yourself or family members. You may be angry at the person you're caring for. Or you may be angry that your loved one has cancer. Sometimes anger comes from fear, panic, or stress. If you are angry, try to think of what makes you feel this way. Knowing the cause may help.
• Grief. You may be feeling a loss of what you value most. This may be your loved one's health. Or it may be the loss of the day-to-day life you had before the cancer was found. Let yourself grieve these losses.
• Guilt. Feeling guilty is common, too. You may think you aren't helping enough. Or you may feel guilty that you are healthy.
• Loneliness. You can feel lonely, even with lots of people around you. You may feel that no one understands your problems. You may also be spending less time with others.

Talk with someone if your feelings get in the way of daily life. Maybe you have a family member, friend, priest, pastor, or spiritual leader to talk to. Your doctor may also be able to help.
Here are some other things that may help you:

• Know that we all make mistakes whenever we have a lot on our minds. No one is perfect.
• Cry or express your feelings. You don't have to pretend to be cheerful. It's okay to show that you are sad or upset.
• Focus on things that are worth your time and energy. Let small things go for now. For example, don't fold clothes if you are tired.
• Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.
• Spend time alone to think about your feelings.

At Hope Cancer Resources, our licensed social workers and counselors are able to schedule individual appointments with you and/or your loved one to help you cope with the varied physical and emotional challenges that accompany a cancer diagnosis. Don't hesitate to reach out to those around you. We're here to help.